Listen to your children’s stories!

Encourage the youngest generations in your family to capture the family history being made right now – by them!

As genealogists, we often focus on the stories of the past. And frequently we wonder how we can get our children or grandchildren to take these stories to heart.

Well my message today is that if you’d like your children (or grandchildren or nieces and nephews) to listen to your stories, then listen to their stories!

This two-way-street idea in communication is fundamental in any relationship. No one likes a one-sided conversation. That’s called a lecture 😛

So consider:

• How can you become a better listener?
• How can you show the children in your family that you value their stories?
• How can you encourage the preservation of family history being made today?

I don’t have all the answers, but here are some thoughts:

• Engage in frequent conversation with your children and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. We all know what this looks like, right? Put down the device, try for eye contact, ask questions and respond in ways that let them know they are being heard. Just listen.
• Ask for their take on a shared experience. You may be surprised by what they observed, saw, or felt in a given scenario that escaped your notice.
• Scrapbook together. My kids prefer to use digital platforms for this. They really seem to appreciate that we allow them the freedom to personalize their own photo books with the photos that mean the most to them and with their own words.
• Gift a child a diary or journal that suits their personality – maybe one with a lock & key or one with unicorns on the cover. When you are aware that something big has happened for them, remind them that this would be a good time to jot a line or two down.

My kids have notebooks and diaries aplenty that they hide from me, used for their most private thoughts, I assume. But before they were born, my husband and I started a journal for them which we store and control. We wrote when we learned of their gender and inserted a photo and birth stats when they were born. As they grew, we noted when they got their first tooth and how much they weighed at check-ups. (Thankfully we’ve been able to refer to these books when our kids have asked us, “What was my first word? When did I start walking?” My fuzzy brain can’t remember all of that perfectly!) When they were preschoolers, we made our kids aware of this book and involved them in creating new entries. For example, when they visited a great-grandparent, we took out the books and asked them, “Can you draw Great-Grandma? Awesome job! Now I’ll write what you tell me to write. What did you do with her today? What was she like?” And of course, as school children they are now able to write longer entries with less help, only a prompting from us. You can bet we’ve pulled those journals out several times during the COVID-19 pandemic and encouraged our kids to write down how their life has changed! And when we come home from a family vacation or they reach a personal goal like making it into the choir they auditioned for, etc, the kids are sure to hear: “I’m getting out your journal so you can write about [XYZ memory or milestone]!” 🙂

• Teach your kids how to record a story associated with a photo on FamilySearch. These could be their own memories, or memories of a living individual like their grandma or their uncle or YOU. They could also be memories of a deceased relative if they remember their interactions with that person before their death. This could be a helpful part of the healing and grieving process for your family when a loved one passes on. Consider in the days or weeks following their funeral encouraging your children to celebrate their life by posting such a memory. **Caution: Either privatize those memories or be sure you are okay with the idea of them being public.
• Make some audio or video recordings on an annual basis. Yes, I know many kids today are doing this themselves on TikTok etc. But maybe they will see a special request from you, the “Family Genealogist,” as flattering. Maybe – just maybe – they will humor you. Show them what you intend to do with these files, how you will store them. Though they may never say it, I’d guess they’ll be touched that you’re going to such lengths to ensure their stories, told in their own voice, are part of the collective family story.

In our home on New Year’s Day, we record ourselves stating our name, the date, our favorite song at the moment and one cool thing that happened in the previous year. It takes less than a minute per person to record. What takes longer is the replaying of recordings from previous years 🙂 I do not demand they sit and listen to our growing collection. But without fail, someone in the bunch requests to hear their recording from last year. “I don’t remember. What did I say then?” Then we’re laughing at how their voice has changed and the kids are begging for more. It’s turned into a fun tradition, a mini celebration of who they are and how they are growing up!

• Consider leading out with a family story – briefer might be better – and asking as a follow-up question, “Has anything similar ever happened to you?” or “What would you have done in their shoes?” or simply, “What do you think of this?” Sometimes you will get blank stares. After waiting a moment or two, let it go. Don’t push too hard for a response. Sometimes your children may respond with real thought. If they do respond, give them a wide open space in the storytelling seat. Tell them with your body language that you are eating up what they have to say. Don’t hurry them or feed them lines. Don’t judge. Listen. Learn.

Listening to our children connects our hearts to theirs, and from that position we are in a better position to help them realize connections with their ancestors too.

Please comment if you have other ideas for listening to and preserving your children’s stories!